Category: Forgiveness

A Legalistic Retrospective

In the opinion of the Religious, in what ways am I judged and responsible for my sins?

To My Wife:  

Thank you for standing by me through the years, and through these struggles.

Thank you for encouraging me.

Thank you for lifting me up in prayer to our Heavenly Father.

What I most resent about my Baptist upbringing is the rigid legalism ingrained in me, serving as a constant yardstick against which I measured my worth.

Throughout my life, I operated under the belief that an angry —or, at the very least, discontented—God was judging me for not meeting His divine standards. The teachings of Sam Cathy resonated in my soul strongly:

  • If you skip church, God will not forgive you.
  • When you willfully sin, there is no sacrifice.
  • After we’re born again, God does not separate our sins from us as far as the East is from the West.
Sam Cathy, paraphrased – about mid-way through; 20-30 minutes

I dreaded facing the Judgment Seat of Christ, knowing that God would list all my moral and spiritual failings, showcasing them as the wood, hay, and stubble that evidenced my inherent unworthiness. Surely the gold, silver, and precious stones could only be reserved for those who did God’s work, those in the ministry – and perhaps a few special others.

I always assumed that my few accomplishments would ultimately be negated; after all, how could someone as inherently flawed as myself ever please God?

Yet, it was nothing short of infuriating and gut-wrenching when I realized that my so-called ‘sins’ were not simply the result of Adam’s original failing or my deliberate straying from the path. No, they were the ghastly outcomes of unresolved emotional and physical trauma that had silently guided my life, unbeknownst to me. The absolute atrocity of the unjust judgment and constant condemnation for elements of my life that were never in my control filled me with silent rage.

In other words, and in the opinion of the Sam Cathys of this world, in what ways am I judged and responsible for my sins, which were unwittingly guided, influenced, and directly seeded by the sins of others who, with malice and forethought, intentionally harmed me? For us, that’s a dark valley journey where only the fearless may walk and ponder1.

So here I am, the Recovering-Legalist, still recovering. I’m not as naive to believe that a world given to sin does not influence our decisions nor the spiritual death of our souls. But neither am I so naive as to think that my worldview, and consequently my broken belief systems that informed my actions, were purely my doing.

For I now understand that I had help. The people who assaulted me helped. The people who molested me helped. The Baptists who taught me legalism and condemnation helped. The Sam Cathys of religion, who taught me to earn the graciousness of God beyond the cross, helped.

I had help to get to where I found myself.

But today, I have found myself in the presence of the unwavering graciousness and mercy of God, who lifted me out of the pit of mirey clay.

Who, by the way, also raised someone else who found themselves in a very similar pit. A person to whom I will be eternally thankful. A person who helped me find, express, and heal the pain lingering in my soul.

You know who you are. Thank you.

  1. Hebrews 4:12 (AMP) For the word of God is living and active and full of power [making it operative, energizing, and effective]. It is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as the division of the soul and spirit [the completeness of a person], and of both joints and marrow [the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and judging the very thoughts and intentions of the heart. ↩︎

The Alter Ego: Saying Goodbye

de Vasconcellos, Josefina; The Peace Monument; Northern Ireland Civil Service; http://www.artuk.org/artworks/the-peace-monument-250899

Those of us who have or are in the process of healing trauma will reach a point wherein we must address that fractured bit of ourselves (created when we were so very young) to protect us from the assaults we suffered.

That alter ego served a vital purpose in our lives. It protected us from the emotional and psychological damage we would have otherwise suffered. It helped shape us, mold us into who we became, whether for good or for bad.

When that day comes, to say goodbye, we are then able to see the part our alter ego played, and continues to play, in shaping our outlook, our visions of others and ourselves, and the walls it has erected to keep us safe. Most importantly, we are able to see that perhaps it was a good design, after all.

But it is not the best design our Father God has for us. The best is yet to come. The best is the person we will become after our protective alter ego has said goodbye.

We cannot condemn our alter ego for the part it played in helping us become who we ultimately did not what want to be. We can’t look at our younger self and apply death, disdain, or condemnation. We can’t kill our alter ego.

Rather we must reform Dylan Thomas’ words, saying:

Do go gentle into that good night. Though you are old of age, sleep and rest at your close of day. Be at peace with the dying of the light.

https://poets.org/poem/do-not-go-gentle-good-night

Scripture teaches us that we are to die to self, but it also teaches us that there is no condemnation for those of us who are in Christ Jesus. Therefore, we are forbidden to condemn ourselves, and especially those parts of us God allowed to be created for the purpose of protecting our soul and spirit.

Give your fractured self a peaceful and respectful wake. Look forward to the renewing of the mind, the new creation that God has designed us to ever be evolving into.

Refusing Victimhood

Being a victim is not a choice: we can’t help or avoid what happened to us in our past.

But victimhood is our choice, it is our choice of cooperation with evil to live in the past as a victim today.

Victimhood sees the world as an event: it is the attitude that life is happening to a person; it is never about how a better decision can be made or how one can change their circumstances. Instead, it is entitlement and self-absorption.

We choose what we do with things that happen to us. Once we walk down the path of choosing to cooperate with hostile social attitudes by constantly living in the evil that happened to us, then we choose victimhood.

But, when we make a decision to no longer be enslaved to our circumstances or those evil things that happened to us, then we make the choice to not live where we were traumatized.

The Spirit of Condemnation

… He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

Eph. 5:27

Retained Sin

Let’s talk about “spots” and “wrinkles.”

A spot refers to a blemish. A blemish or spot is a retained sin. Please understand that I’m not referring to things that affect one’s salvation, but those things which affect our faith walk; those things that touch our soul.

Jesus is looking for His bride to be free of the sins that so easily beset, or entangle us.

As an example, a besetting sin is unforgiveness. Unforgiveness keeps us in bondage to the past: it makes us a continual victim; it causes us to live in victimhood.

Another type of besetting sin is self-condemnation. These voices are created when others condemn us, and we stand in active or passive agreement. Self-condemnation shapes our self-image, it changes how we experience life.

Finally, a besetting sin is a hurt we do not let go of, we bring with us on a routine basis. An example is a grief: it is living in the past and allowing the past to define and shape our future.

Old Self Wrinkles

Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him

Colossians 3:9-10

The second thing that Jesus is looking for in His Bride, is for Her to be without a wrinkle. Wrinkles show up on old people. The wrinkle being referred to here is the “old man” that we are to leave behind after being born again.

As a normal course of life, we learn bad habits, things, and behaviors from the world, and we tend to retain those evil practices. As new creatures in Christ, we are to rid ourselves of those destructive behaviors by dying to ourselves, by putting them under the cross, and leaving them behind.

Self Condemnation & Trauma-Bonding

These two things, wrinkles, and blemishes have a great potential to remain with us day-to-day. When we hold on to these things, we place ourselves under self-condemnation and bondage to the past. In doing so, we carry the weight of our sin when it should be released to the cross.

Even when taking these failures to our Father, and asking forgiveness, we sometimes continue to live in these self-condemning places.

These types of self-condemnations are just as bad as carrying the harmful burdens of others. When we improperly sympathize and empathize with the trauma of others, we can trauma-bond with the hurts of others. This means we carry the pain of others, making it our own when we never should.

This does not mean we never empathize with others, but it does mean there are times for weeping, and times for rejoicing (Romans 12:15, Ecclesiastes 3:1).

Being Free

Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.

Matthew 18:18

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:29

Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, “If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”

John 8:31-32

If you want to be free from your spots, wrinkles, and the bondages of trauma, then take your injuries to God through the following prayers.

Prayer

Fill in these <items>

  • Dear heavenly Father, I want to be free from the injuries of <sin> committed against me by <name>.
  • I want to forgive <name> for their sin against me.
  • I release any obligation <name> has to me for making me whole, and I thank You, heavenly Father, for making me whole.
  • I ask that you separate <name’s> sin from me and from <name> and place it on the cross of Jesus.
  • Through the blood of Jesus, I lose the effect of <sin> committed against me, and I condemn each and every effect of <sin> it had over me.
  • I bind myself to Your forgiveness and to the blood of Jesus that forgives every sin and washes us clean.
  • I lose Holy Spirit to heal the wounds of <sin> and to make me whole.
  • Thank you for releasing me of <name’s> sin against me and for making me whole.

Forgiveness is not Reconcilliation

There is a fallacy maintained in our churches today, and it is this: forgiveness and turning the other cheek go hand in hand, that they are one in the same and as such, forgiveness should look like, be like and feel like turning the other cheek.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Turning the other cheek is one of two things: it is either getting what you know you deserve, or it is a subtle rebuke which will drive the repentant to confession and reconciliation. In the worst case, you will be slapped again, and having no more cheeks, you turn and leave.

In regards to forgiveness, wise people will tell you something like this: “forgiveness does not mean you allow yourself to be run over by the same bus more than once.” Doing so is passivity which results in further damage and resentment towards the bus driver and yourself.

The two types of forgiveness

There are two types of forgiveness: personal forgiveness and reconciliation forgiveness. In this post, we will explore the necessity of personal forgiveness.

Why Forgive?

Forgiveness is necessary because the damage has been caused in you. Someone did something to you that caused some type of damage. It’s as if you are a car and someone smacked you with a sledge hammer, leaving a large hole in your fender. Forgiveness is necessary because you’re damaged, physically and/or emotionally.

If you’re like most people, you may be thinking that forgiveness opens you up to another attack. No, actually it does not. What opens you up to another attack is an improper boundary. If you’ve been robbed because your door was unlocked, and you refuse to lock your door after the robbery, then you are partially responsible for subsequent robberies. Should the robber keep out of your house? Of course he should. Should you erect the proper boundary, in this case a locked door, to keep future attempts at bay? Most certainly you should. So then, forgiveness does not obliterate proper boundaries, rather it has the potential to enable you to erect proper boundaries in the future.

While you’re holding onto un-forgiveness, you are not in any way hurting the offender, nor are you protecting yourself. The way you protect yourself is by erecting a proper boundary, by locking the door. But this doesn’t negate that fact that you still have damage, something has been stolen. The robber is perfectly happy with your goods, and you’re perfectly unhappy without them.

It’s about letting go

Personal forgiveness is the mechanism that begins the process of releasing us from the damage caused by others. Until you can let go of the damage caused by others, you will continue to suffer in that damage in which you maintain.

If someone threw a rock through your window during the middle of the winter, do you fix the window or do you maintain anger against the person who broke your window? You fix the window because you’re cold and your heating bills will break the bank.

What sense is there in leaving the damaged window and maintaining anger against the person who threw the rock when you’re the one suffering? The logical thing to do is fix the window and ask the person who broke it to pay for the damages because to make you whole is what he owes you.

When we choose not to forgive, we chose to hold on to damage, and in doing so we become bound to the damage – we are in bondage to the pain, the suffering and the hurt. Furthermore, failing to forgive causes more damage than the actual offense: you’re living the hurts continually. Failing to forgive does nothing to the one who hurt you, but it causes a root of bitterness to grow deep, strong and hard in your heart.

What is Personal Forgiveness?

Personal forgiveness is a private, volitional exercise that we perform so that we may be released from the bondage of the damage caused by those who sinned against us. It is the forgiveness is spoken of in the Lord’s Prayer –

… and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors … (Matthew 6:12)

In this type of forgiveness, we do two things: we release the offender from their obligations to repair the damage they caused in us, and we release ourselves from bondage to the damage in us.

This type of forgiveness is not tied to the offender repenting of their sins, nor is it tied to the offender saying they’re sorry. Sometimes the offender cannot repent or refuses speak to you, or worse, they’re dead. In this type of forgiveness, the participation of the offender is never required.

Condemning the Damage

Personal forgiveness requires that you call sin what it is: sin. If you don’t mind people robbing your home, then you’ll leave the doors open and replace all of the things people take just so those things can be stolen again. In this case, you’re not agreeing with the sin, you’re not condemning the sin, and you’re not calling it wrong. But God has given us a permission to call a spade a spade:

No weapon that is formed against you will prosper; and every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their vindication is from Me, declares the LORD. (Isaiah 54:17)

You have a right and obligation to call sin what it is: sin. When someone sins against you, you have the right to call it wrong. If you don’t call it wrong, then you have no place to forgive, for how does one forgive the good done by another? Good is not forgiven, it is praised and thanksgiving is offered.

Avoiding a Root of Bitterness

See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled (Hebrews 12:15)

Un-forgiveness results in bitterness. But forgiveness is the key that opens the pathway to grace. And grace is that thing which makes you into something that you cannot become on your own. When your car is damaged by someone else, they typically have insurance that makes you whole again. But if they don’t you can call your insurance company and they will make you whole.

In personal forgiveness the participation, or repentance of the offender is absent. It’s as if they hit you and ran away. But God is your insurance company and He will make you whole again. But, you have to be willing to condemn the sin (agree that it was wrong) and report the offense to God, and then release the offender from their responsibility to you. Once you’ve released them of their obligation to you, then you have enabled God to make you whole.

Personal Forgiveness is not Reconciliation

You cannot be reconciled to someone who is dead, but you can forgive them.

Reconciliation is not the goal in personal forgiveness. Personal forgiveness is not for the offender and it is not for restoring relationship with the offender, it is for you, your freedom and your relationship with God. Personal forgiveness always frees you to pursue reconciliation with the offender, should they be available and participatory.

When we take our hurts and our damage to God, He makes us whole. But only when we choose to let go can we be free of hurts. Personal forgiveness not only releases us from the damage caused in us by others, it is also the mechanism by which we maintain or re-establish communion with God in the midst of the trial caused by other people.

When we do not forgive, we shy away from God and hide from Him. When we harbor bitterness in our hearts, we damage our walk with God. When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, they not only hid from each other, they hid from God. Jesus said, “whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.” (Mark 11:25) Having something against another is sin – it is something that you must confess. The Law of Bitterness insures that your relationship with God suffers while you suffer in un-forgiveness.

Conclusion

When we fail to forgive, we hold onto something that is not ours: we hold onto the damage caused and created by someone else. Ultimately, we allow the person of offended us to continue an additional offense.

Personal forgiveness is the gateway to eradicating or preventing a root of bitterness. It’s not necessarily easy, and you may find that you pick up the offense again and again. But when you do, just take the offense back to God and forgive again. Eventually, you will find God has honored his word by restoring you to the place you were before the offense, and by giving you an additional blessing to move you forward in your relationship with Him:

Return to the stronghold, O prisoners who have the hope; this very day I am declaring that I will restore double to you. (Zechariah 9:12)

Personal Forgiveness

 

There is a fallacy maintained in our churches today, and it is this: forgiveness and turning the other cheek go hand in hand, and forgiveness should look like, be like and feel like turning the other cheek.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Turning the other cheek is one of two things: it is either getting what you know you deserve, or it is a subtle rebuke which will drive the repentant to confession and reconciliation. In the worst case, you will be slapped again, and having no more cheeks, you turn and leave.

In regards to forgiveness, wise people will tell you something like this: “forgiveness does not mean you allow yourself to be run over by the same bus more than once.” Doing so is passivity which results in further damage and resentment towards the bus driver and yourself.

The two types of forgiveness

There are two types of forgiveness: personal forgiveness and reconciliation forgiveness. In this post, we will explore the necessity of personal forgiveness.

Why Forgive?

Forgiveness is necessary because the damage has been caused to you. Someone did something to you that caused some type of damage. It’s as if you are a car and someone smacked you with a sledgehammer, leaving a large hole in your fender. Forgiveness is necessary because you’re damaged, physically and/or emotionally.

If you’re like most people, you may be thinking that forgiveness opens you up to another attack. No, actually, it does not. What opens you up to another attack is an improper boundary. If you’ve been robbed because your door was unlocked, and you refuse to lock your door after the robbery, then you are partially responsible for subsequent robberies. Should the robber keep out of your house? Of course, he should. Should you erect the proper boundary, in this case, a locked door, to keep future attempts at bay? Most certainly, you should. So then, forgiveness does not obliterate proper boundaries; rather, it has the potential to enable you to erect proper boundaries in the future.

While you’re holding onto unforgiveness, you are not in any way hurting the offender, nor are you protecting yourself. The way you protect yourself is by erecting a proper boundary, by locking the door. But this doesn’t negate that fact that you still have damage, something has been stolen. The robber is perfectly happy with your goods, and you’re perfectly unhappy without them.

It’s about letting go

Personal forgiveness is the mechanism that begins the process of releasing us from the damage caused by others. Until you can let go of the damage caused by others, you will continue to suffer in that damage in which you maintain.

If someone threw a rock through your window during the middle of the winter, do you fix the window, or do you maintain anger against the person who broke your window? You fix the window because you’re cold, and your heating bills will break the bank.

What sense is there in leaving the damaged window and maintaining anger against the person who threw the rock when you’re the one suffering? The logical thing to do is fix the window and ask the person who broke it to pay for the damages because to make you whole is what he owes you.

When we choose not to forgive, we chose to hold on to damage, and in doing so, we become bound to the damage – we are in bondage to the pain, the suffering, and they hurt. Furthermore, failing to forgive causes more damage than the actual offense: you’re living the hurts continually. Failing to forgive does nothing to the one who hurt you, but it causes a root of bitterness to grow deep, strong, and hard in your heart.

What is Personal Forgiveness?

Personal forgiveness is a private, volitional exercise that we perform so that we may be released from the bondage of the damage caused by those who sinned against us. It is the forgiveness is spoken of in the Lord’s Prayer –

… and forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors … (Matthew 6:12)

In this type of forgiveness, we do two things: we release the offender from their obligations to repair the damage they caused in us, and we release ourselves from bondage to the damage in us.

This type of forgiveness is not tied to the offender repenting of their sins, nor is it tied to the offender saying they’re sorry. Sometimes the offender cannot repent or refuses to speak to you, or worse, they’re dead. In this type of forgiveness, the participation of the offender is never required.

Condemning the Damage

Personal forgiveness requires that you call sin what it is: sin. If you don’t mind people robbing your home, then you’ll leave the doors open and replace all of the things people take just so those things can be stolen again. In this case, you’re not agreeing with the sin, you’re not condemning the sin, and you’re not calling it wrong. But God has given us a permission to call a spade a spade:

“No weapon that is formed against you will prosper, and every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their vindication is from Me,” declares the LORD. (Isaiah 54:17)

You have a right and obligation to call offenses and sin what they are: sin. We refuse to condemn the sins against us; we are in effect calling them blessings and goodness.  If you don’t call it wrong (condemn it), then you have no place to forgive, for how does one forgive the good done by another? Good is not forgiven, it is praised, and thanksgiving is offered.   

Avoiding a Root of Bitterness

See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled

Hebrews 12:15

Unforgiveness results in bitterness. But forgiveness is the key that opens the pathway to grace. And grace is that thing that makes you into something that you cannot become on your own. When your car is damaged by someone else, they typically have insurance that makes you whole again. But if they don’t, you can call your insurance company, and they will make you whole.

In personal forgiveness the participation, or repentance of the offender is absent. It’s as if they hit you and ran away. But God is your insurance company, and He will make you whole again. But, you have to be willing to condemn the sin (agree that it was wrong) and report the offense to God, and then release the offender from their responsibility to you. Once you’ve released them of their obligation to you, then you have enabled God to make you whole.

Personal Forgiveness is not Reconciliation

You cannot be reconciled to someone who is dead, but you can forgive them.

Reconciliation is not the goal of personal forgiveness. Personal forgiveness is not for the offender and it is not for restoring the relationship with the offender, it is for you, your freedom and your relationship with God. Personal forgiveness always frees you to pursue reconciliation with the offender, should they be available and participatory.

When we take our hurts and our damage to God, He makes us whole. But only when we choose to let go can we be free of hurts. Personal forgiveness not only releases us from the damage caused in us by others, it is also the mechanism by which we maintain or re-establish communion with God in the midst of the trial caused by other people.

When we do not forgive, we shy away from God and hide from Him. When we harbor bitterness in our hearts, we damage our walk with God. When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden, they hid from each other and hid from God. Jesus said, “whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.” (Mark 11:25) Having something against another is sin – it is something that you must confess. The Law of Bitterness ensures that your relationship with God suffers while you suffer in un-forgiveness.

Conclusion

When we fail to forgive, we hold onto something that is not ours: we hold onto the damage caused and created by someone else. Ultimately, we allow the person of offended us to continue an additional offense.

Personal forgiveness is the gateway to eradicating or preventing a root of bitterness. It’s not necessarily easy, and you may find that you pick up the offense again and again. But when you do, just take the offense back to God and forgive again. Eventually, you will find God has honored his word by restoring you to the place you were before the offense, and by giving you an additional blessing to move you forward in your relationship with Him:

Return to the stronghold, O prisoners who have the hope; this very day I am declaring that I will restore double to you. (Zechariah 9:12)

You can read my post on reconciliation forgiveness, here.